Journal Entry

Experiencing a strengthening in the Faith

I think it's very easy to give up. But it's very hard to keep on. I know the Lord's with me and He's my strength but there are moments that feel utterly alone. But it's those moments that we find that God is closer than ever even if we don't feel Him.

They tell me all these things; that God is faithful and is always with us, but I wonder if they've ever experienced being stretched in such an excruciating way and still put their faith in God. I know some have but some haven't. They claim to have and I would agree, everyone sees the world through a subjective lens. Unless they experience it for themselves I don't think they would know the weight of what another person would say.

That's why the less privileged can get pissed when someone who has what they have wanted talks carelessly. And that's what a lot of us does. We speak carelessly, it doesn't matter who you're speaking to or where you are. I think our words should always be spoken with utmost care.

I remember earlier in the holiday when my mom said God has put us in this season because He wants us to completely rely on Him. Thank God for His word. I know better now that the Christian faith takes a lot of effort and bravery. Do you know how scary it is to put all your faith in something unseen? I think faith requires not only the Word but also a level of bravery and confidence, that no matter what. That phrase “no matter what” is very deep. At all times, all times you believe. This is why we have God's word, it's such an assurance buttered up with the Holy spirit in us.

I don't think I've ever been so afraid before. I felt my faith shaking more than twice. I knew God to be faithful so I was scared my lack of faith would hinder His work in my life. I started questioning a lot of things. Why things had to go the way they went.

I became angry then sad then guilty.

My mind became a rollercoaster. I felt the sick twists and turns of my thoughts. Thank God for prior teachings, I was able to recognise when the devil had started manipulating me so I drew back but the worst part is that I wanted to go back in. I wanted to drown in that sadness, in that anger. I felt myself wanting the darkness, and that really scared me.

So I ran, I ran to where I should have always been. To who I was supposed to already be with. My knees dug the ground, my hands pressed tightly to my chest. My Lord, My God, My King, My Source, My Begining and End, My Father. I felt the excruciating ache in my heart, choking my lungs. I felt the hot sting of my tears from my eyes to my chin.

Take me Lord and all the broken pieces too.

Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds”.

He’s healing the wounds of my soul. It's in His presence that my joy full. He is making all things new. When I think of the cross and all He did, the privileges and opportunities the Lord opened for us my heart trembles. It's like I'm being filled with so much love I didn't think was possible. Like a cup that runs over with fresh water and flows into an everlasting stream. What a gift the Holy spirit is. Not to mention the place of prayer where I am able to be vulnerable and open to my Father.

I like two songs that remind me of this: His Words by Grace Tena & Dancing on The Waves by We The Kingdom.

The lyrics from Dancing on the waves makes me know He sees me and is with me:

“I'm reaching out

I'll chase you down

I dare you to believe how much I love you now

Don't be afraid

I am your strength

We'll be walking on the water

Dancing on the waves”

“I set every star into place

So you would remember My name

I made it all for you

You are My masterpiece

You are the reason I sing

This is My song for you”.

So what are you doing? Wallowing in guilt and self pity. Staying in that lie the enemy decieved you with. Run to your Heavenly Father through the Blood of Jesus Christ and let Him fill your very self and become your life.