Little Girl

❤️‍🩹

I swallowed. There was a lump formed in my throat. I didn't want to cry, at least not where I was now. I only wanted to cry where noone could see me.

Does GOD heal hearts? I want mine healed. I'm sure He wants that too. So why does it feel like the deepest parts are broken? And I don't know how to deal with it, I prayed hard but nothing’s changed, so the best thing I can do is turn away. I ignore her, the little girl crying out for attention.

The little girl I abandoned long ago. She begs me desperately, clutching onto me. I shake her off. I hate her, perhaps hate is too strong, because a part of me wants to loves her. To give her what she has wanted all these years.

But she is weakness. She will destroy all that I have placed. I can't afford to embrace her, the risk is too high. Plus, I think it's best for her, at least she's safe here. Where noone can see her.

But I know GOD sees. He is Jehovah Elroi. I can't hide her from Him, I've accepted that. But how can I entrust her into the hands of the same humans that have hurt her before?

Sometimes I wish she would disappear. Sometimes I wish I never had her in the first place. She scares me. She haunts me. She is my lie. The lie that I have kept very well hidden, even to myself. But she won't let me forget, never. She's always there, never really saying anything. Making her presence known to me.

The funny thing is that I don't even fully understand her. She confuses me, goes against everything I know about myself. I know she is waiting, for her chance to finally escape. But I won't allow it. I refuse it.

Her being here might probably hurt me more than I think but her escaping may destroy me. I'm too scared for that.

So everyday I tighten the bars to her prison. I tell her I love her and that I keep her here for her sake. I tell her she is okay where she is and needs nothing else.

I pet her to keep her still. No one can discover her. I must keep her hidden.

So when others are close to reaching her, she is tempted to leave. Tempted to escape, to run into their arms.But I tell her all the wrong things about outside and how she is safer with me. And she listens to everything I say, because I'm older. I'm better. I'm bigger. I'm supposed to be wiser.

So here we are, together…